Good and Bad Days

I wish there wasn't either because you know that when you have a good day that you'll eventually have a bad day and vice versa. I wish there are just normal balanced days where It's just equally bad and good so that I won't have to suffer the good and bad days. It's like a 2-sided coin in which one is always on top and the other down below, I just want to be the metal in between. The equilibrium that sets everything.

Hopeless Romanticism

I don't know what is it about her, but I get drawn so much like a magnet: a one-way magnet that is. That's why I'm killing the attraction by staying as far away as possible. It's for the best anyway because I can't keep fighting losing battles. I'm reaching my limit because I am only human after all; the weight will eventually overwhelm me, and drown me deep within her shadows.

losing it

I've slowly became the person I've despised oh so much throughout my life. The lying, indecisive, hateful and pretentious scumbag that I didn't want to become. I don't know how it came to this, and seriously I'm having serious doubts whether I will be able to remedy this situation. I'm coming to a point where I don't know how to deal with it anymore other than live with it, and see whether I can revert back to my old self. I never expected myself to regress this bad, and at this point in time too because it certainly does not help the cause. In due time I hope things get better, for my sake.

The lack of motivation is severely killing production.

Early Morning Musing

Should I snap out of this delusion or should I do something about it? I feel like it's a lose-lose situation either way. I mean if i snap out it obviously means I lost, and if do something about it I might lose something if it fails. jesus christ, I've never been in such a messy situation like this until now. I'm extremely afraid of the outcome that it's killing me to the point that I'm losing sleep, and not to mention some unnecessary angst. However, I will probably do the latter since I need to face life. well, I'll see in a few days. I also need to stop being so indecisive.

back to writing

will finally go back to writing random stuff, but this time around with better writing. I just realized how poor my writing was a year ago, oh well.

purpose

parties and alcohol, material things, superficial society, unquenchable greed, is there more to life than all this?

PCN withdrawal

i feel so sad right now cause of PCN. i had so much fun with the cast and crew, and now that the play is over things are gonna be different. i'll miss blockings, fun times with people, and so much more. it's like the feeling after graduation, and the next thing to come is the summer after it which is boring and depressing. i am so bored with my life, PCN gave me something to do, something really worth doing, but now i'll probably be back to my old unproductive self. the old lonesome kid who always stay in his room, who does nothing, but play computer games aimlessly. i don't know what to say anymore. i'll probably get over this feeling soon, but for now i'll be sad. i never knew it would hit me this hard to be honest cause i took everything for granted, but now i regret that i did.

i'll miss all of the people i worked with during PCN especially those that i might not see as much again, so i guess that success comes with a price.

thoughts

i never liked going with the crowd. i've always wanted to be with the lesser people specially if there is like a hang out session or something. i prefer going with the smaller crowd just because i feel more at ease, and it's a lot more peaceful. also because that is just the way i am. as lame as it sounds, i really do prefer being with less people or alone.

stress

it's nearly the start of classes. i'm so stressed with all the stuff going on, and for the fact that my mom keeps blaming me for all the shit that happened.

i always wonder why people keep crying over things that have happened; those things that cannot be changed anymore. i mean come on, seriously, people needs to stop living in the past.

someday I'll pay you all sons bitches back for all your bs.

it's a promise.

idiot: you got an S which is equivalent to negative zero.
me in my head: roflmao, negative zero ftw!

everything is seriously getting tiring, all of the crap that I'm involved in, this pathetic place that i live and with these pathetic family and relatives that i mingle with. well it's not really all about them but mostly though, i am in a stalemate in which i can't do anything to push my life forward. i can't stand the everyday stress even though school is over. there are some things or circumstances that makes my life hard. i never had an easy streak in my life, well maybe for 2-3 days but that is the most and the least. i never had it for more than a week cause there will always be that problem that will occur that will make things complicated. i hate the people i mingle with everyday for they are so fake. they backstab their friends, family and other people they know, everytime i'm with them i can see/hear their fake attitude among other people, there is just no stopping it, they feed of it like it's their source of life/energy which makes things sad. i don't know if i can stay in this place without having to reach the point where i had enough, where i simply cannot stand their behavior, their fake attitude, their mockery of me and all the other things they do, the point where i just quit. i never expected things to be like this. still i was happy the way i was raised because i learn to value and respect other people and to be honest with them as much as possible. it is just only thing, i can't think of any other way to be raised and appreciate it. to sum it all up, i just simply like my father's side the family for they are true to themselves and to other people. they always keep an open mind to things. unlike for those people where i hear bullshit and crap all the time.

i want to stop posting like this because i want to be positive again but i just can't. the situation/s just simply doesn't permit me to.

just like heaven

I will have that one point in time where i will shine. someday for sure...

And all those who looked down on me will regret that they ever have.

nothing to prove

i am seriously getting sick and tired of my mom bullshiting me about my grades. the hell i dont even care if i get a high grade, i wont get anything if i get high grades there is absolutely nothing in it for me so what's the point? and how she keeps comparing me with her co-worker's daughters, on how they are scholars, straight A grade students and other blah bullshit that i dont even care about. seriously not to brag but i can definitely surpass them if i wanted to but as i said there is nothing in it for me, i know my strengths and potential. i just don't find any reason to prove that i can attain high grades. i don't have to prove to anyone anything, simple as that so i hope they stop mocking me.

i can be great i just choose not to.

if only i could be who you wanted all the time.

i can't believe i've been living in this place for the past 7 months. i didn't felt homesick at all because i know i can always deceive myself that i feel just fine. as long as i feel ok physically then it's alright overall. i always try to hide the facts, the truths. because i can't face them. i always want to escape, far from everything, from those backstabbing people i mingle with everyday, i don't want to or need to hear what they have to say to other people. it's their problem, but every time i hear those things, i always ponder, those things always become food for my thoughts. i wish i can escape every time i want to or need to, far away from all these things, from all those people.

i always try to look ahead, for the things that might happen. they keep me going, they are my scapegoat for the disappointments and misery of the present. i am getting tired of the fake happyness. i am still in pursuit of my so called happyness. i so much miss my happy times in the philippines, those things that can never happen again, my friends which can never be replaced. and all those people who made it worthwhile. i just wish i had something that can make me happy altogether.

miss

miss ko na mga kaklase ko, mga kaibigan ko, mga pinsan ko, mga kapamilya ko, mga kadota ko, mga kagaguhan ko, si bino si toff si gaud si marc. si dom/dong mga tricycle sa kanto, mga jeep na dumadaan, mga ulan na pwedeng liguan, dotahan sa boni, ang kainan sa boni na bestfriends, ang pizza sa yellow cab, ang napaka mahal na sbarro, ang glorrietta, ang mga kaputbol ko, ang putbol, ang masasarap na pagkain na pinoy, ang pishbol, ang kwek kwek, ang chicken skin, ang kalamares, ang don bosco, mga pagsisimba, ang megamall, ang greenbelt, mga kulasa friends, mga old st paul friends, ang team gubat, ang ilog pasig, ang putbol pild sa don bosco, ang ASCOM, ang MRT, ang LRT, ang polusyon, ang bahay ni gaud, ang road trip namin nila gaud toff marc at dom, ang coke sakto, ang RC cola, ang masarap na oishi prawn crackers, at higit sa lahat na realize ko na MISS KO NA SI AYANG!!! hahahahaha!!!

dmi ko namiss, mga bagay na di na pwede balikan, mga bagay na di na pwedeng gawin ulet, iba na buhay ngayon, it will never be the same again, it will never be as happy as before. haay.. but it can always be as lame as today.

i want to get away from all this, its tiring.

tama na pag iilusyon, oras na para gumising sa katotohanan.

puta nakakainis nagdownload ako nung online game para lng malaman na di gagana yung putanginang RF na yun, tangina kasi ng nag hahandle yung netgames bano puta dapat magsara na sila dapat walang silbe, hahahahha!